It’ll be three weeks tomorrow since Mom died, and it’s starting to hit me how much I miss her. I want her to tell me we’re okay . . .
My husband is self-employed and hasn’t had a contract or commission since September 1, 2010. He has been working hard on a large project, and we thought it would be closed with a nice commission in early August. Nope. Then we were hoping mid-August. Nope. Now it’s MAYBE mid-September. Meanwhile, he hasn’t earned a penny in a year, we’re living off my self-employment income which is getting less and less, and we’re down to the nubs. Through it all, I’ve been confident that all was, and would be, okay. My faith and that flicker of hope keeps me going.
We took out the last bit in our line of credit from our second mortgage to pay our health insurance, mortgage and few other bills. Three days later, we’re told the money from the line of credit was removed from our account because we were three days late with the payment last month. We’ve paid on time every month for the last umpteen years but it’s not good to be late with a payment in this economy so . . . and, stupid us, the bills using that money had already been sent out. GULP!
There are definitely lessons to learn from this – painful lessons. My mother just died, my dad with early dementia has just moved in with me changing my life in so many ways that I can’t see straight, I’m cleaning out my parents’ belongings and getting their house ready to sell while filling up my house so that it looks like an episode from Hoarders, I’m trying to maintain my business through this so I can afford to feed my family and oh yeah, we’re broke. I just wanted to curl up in my mom’s lap with her arms around me telling me all would be okay, because honestly, my friends are getting a little scared to be around me these days. It’s not that I’m just not fun these days but that I’m overwhelming them. I’m sure when they see me they’re thinking what’s next with this woman.
This morning, it really did feel overwhelming and then something magical happened. I talked with a beautiful friend from my Pen-Parents days whose husband is in the late stages of ALS. Talk about an overwhelming situation! She’s full of love and light – and so much empathy for me that I didn’t feel I even deserved. This woman is truly an earth angel. My overwhelm melted into such love and joy because I connected with another human being who “knows” and gets it.
Instead of going to my Dad’s house to pack up more stuff, I stayed home and tuned into the Halos711 show on Blog Talk Radio. One of the hosts shared her story about her daughter who is about to lose her home but her faith is keeping her strong because she never gives up. Another listener gave her testimonial about never giving up and yet another talked about the miracle that cured a life threatening virus in his heart.
Folks, it’s all about that flicker of hope I talked about before. That’s all you need in the darkest of times. Reach out to people and ask for support. Yes, some people (and often a lot of people) will turn away because they can’t handle your pain or struggle, but there will be those that will walk through it with you and you won’t find them if you sit still and stuck in your pity party.
Remember this – you are loved. All you have to do is open your heart to receive it – not take it, but receive it – and then you can conquer most anything. My mom loved me, and I miss her fiercely. But my family is going to get through this because we’re going to continue moving forward with the love in our hearts that Mom planted in each of us. We can’t do any less if we just take those painful first baby steps and let go of the struggle . . . so who’s going with me?